One small puff of derisory blue smoke
Brutal Planet UK Tour 2001And so its over and the daily grind returns its been a phantasmagorical week to remember for no 1 son and I, jollyjon. 1732 miles up and down the motorways of Britain and through three countries. 6 Alice Cooper extravaganzas and a Michael Bruce club date to boot. I feel as though I’ve been past that RAC building outside Birmingham enough times to last a lifetime. And what have we got to show for it ? Well a sizeable hole in the filthy lucre department, an uncanny skill of dropping of to sleep at the drop of the smallest of hats in work and am I imagining it or can you hear a high pitched ringing noise ? O and of course the tour treasure box (you have got one of those haven’t you ?) is full to overflowing with dollar bills, flyers, plectrums, balloon fragments, drum sticks and canes etc. O and I nearly forgot we met Alice of course on his salubrious tour bus for a photo session and power meeting to discuss a worldwide marketing deal for our now legendary Cooper Sheep Tour De Cymru 2001 T shirts – but more of that later.
So think back way back and we’re on the road to Bournemouth.
Bournemouth 15/05/2001 Tuesday
Do you know back in February when the dates were announced I perused the itinery with mixed feelings. Delight that Alice was coming to my adopted city of Cardiff, capital City of Wales for the first ever time but also with a deal of chagrin. How was I gonna tell her indoors that no 1 son and I were going of on our Cooper adventure on her 40th birthday !? Well the day dawned and we mounted our trusty steed (well got in our dodgy motor) and left Wales headed for foreign climes and Bournemouth. I know its cheesy but I need to publicly thanks Mrs Jollyjon Allegedly for letting us go. She took it quite well really that there was to be no surprise 40th birthday bash instead the surprise was I’d spent the money on Alice Cooper tickets instead. Besides she could come with me to Cardiff is she wanted. Am I a bar steward or what ? O and before I get too mushy I must also apologise to my VW Camper van, Van of Vans, but I couldn’t take you with us or we’d still be on our way back from Edinburgh. She also took it quite well too. Just one small puff of derisory blue smoke as I remember.
An uneventful journey , apart from getting stuck behind Dorset’s most malodorous muck spreader down a country lane, saw us arrive at the Zimmer frame capital of the world Bournemouth by early afternoon. We parked up and headed off, sporting our Tour T’s in search of the Bournemouth International Centre a modern looking red brick venue with cacky fountains and statues festooning it supposedly sponsored by a famous brand of biro. A queue had already formed and there were some of the usual suspects milling around. Andrew Clark, Paul Forsyth, Des Fields, Wicked Youngman and anthonyjohn. These bunch of reprobates were to be our Cooper companions for the rest of the tour. We were also joined by jackboot Jill aus Deutschland and a bizarre freakazoid who much to our mutual consternation regaled us with stories about Trams – what a boring old fart he was. Time passed and we had taken over queue front , sat ensconced as we were in a selection of comfy chairs.
Paul kindly rang a local B & B and secured us a room for the night in an ice cream coloured guesthouse, The Cremona. Quite how the Zimmer frame using tourists of Bournemouth get up the warren of stairs in that place – gawd knows. A group of us went off to what must be the worst stocked Harry Ramsden’s in the world and had fish n chips at the seaside. Several small blue rinse groups gave us a wide berth as we masticated our fare.
As concert time approached we were allowed another twenty feet near the entrance and regaled with stories by the security guard, sorry the licensed crowd facilitator, concerning Bournemouth’s rising status as the Ibiza of Dorset ! Doors open and to a shout of no running we go into our now legendary speed waddle and secure front and centre on the barrier, the only place to be at an Alice gig – nice. I’m starting to enter the Alice zone and my blood starts to come to the boil. Unfortunately Alice’s show is some time away and we must all endure Orange Goblin and Dio.
What can I say of the support, well suffice it to say neither were my cup of tea (white, no sugar) and I made a mental note to avoid them for the rest of the week where possible.
Renfield appeared and shook my hand saying hi, this was to bear fruit later in the tour. And then its Alice ! Show begins with the dulcet cacophony that is the theme from Halloween, the curtain parts and the Controller tries to encourage us to bugger off. We’re going nowhere matey, we’re sickthings. The roar of Brutal Planet is booming out and jollyjon is now in the zone. Calico seems to have made a particularly wise choice in the PVC Emporium I would say for the Goes To Hell skit. Alice is in fine form twisting and turning and grimacing like someone who has been on a course called “How to twist, turn and grimace” and passed with flying colours. We were well blooded that night but also in a new twist I was also partly blinded by the voluminous clouds of talcum powder (? – must ask Ren – perhaps Alice could sponsor Johnson’s Baby Powder – “I use Johnson’s on all my important little places” says wrinkly shock rock veteran Alice Cooper – I digress). We got Clones tonight and then we guffawed, o how we guffawed when Britney came on. No 1 son collected our first contribution to our war chest when Alice placed the cane in his outstretched sweaty mitt during School’s Out. Two encores tonight and we get Alice sporting his Tony Blair mask and waving the Jack imploring us to vote for me. Do you know I just might.
And then he’s gone and I’m coming out of the zone cold turkey. I hear my pit calling and after a degree of mooching around, Paul, Des, Wicked, No 1 and I head for the Cremona. I had a fitful nights sleep that night dreaming tour dreams full of what ifs – I’m not getting any younger you know. Besides we have a long long trek to Manchester on the morrow.
Wednesday 16 May 2001
Manchester 16/05/2001 Wednesday
Replete with Full English we joined a mini convoy of three cars, minus the Halleys who we managed to forget (sorry Si) for the expedition to darkest Manchester. It was with heavy heart that we got nearer and nearer to Manchester home of the Scum. The convoy collapsed as we all got lost on the plethora of motorway’s that festoon this part of the world. Of course there was the obligatory standstill on the M6 outside Brum. I’d just set up the picnic table and the bbq embers were at their optimum in the outside lane next to that damn RAC monstrosity when the traffic set off again. Well we snuck into Manchester and after an obscenely circuitous city centre tour parked up right next to the Apollo an old style theatre in a not so salubrious part of town. And there they are again, some of the usual suspects. I managed to get a team photo of some 15+ sickies and then we sidled round the back to the boozer – The something castle for a half of decaffeinated. Eric Singer was munching one some dry roasted and so I grabbed him for a snap outside. “Stand closer” he said as we posed “pretend you like me”. I asked him why his hair was now black, “I’ve been playing with Kiss” – “never mind “ I said.
Calico appeared and we did the photo thing. Back in the pub Bill Crowe had his tour purse open as Roxie signed some piccies for him. We met Tacas and Chris Sutton briefly and then went to the queue front even though we had balcony seats for this one. We snuck downstairs after Dio and I stood stage right with Des , Si & Chris. Chatted with Dee and Sunila. Ear plugs were order of the day that night. Des had been on the old fermented and buoyed by his party mood we took part what I can only describe as the full Alice Cooper Brutal Planet Karaoke Workout Programme. We were walking tight ropes and hanging by a thread – you get the picture. Move over Jane Fonda let Alice take over.
Clones had gone and the Elected encore was prefaced by an Eric drum solo of Rule Britannia. It was a great show but I was totally cream crackered at the end of this one and was ready for bed. Good job I was persuaded otherwise by no 1 son who seems to go into a kind of Womble frenzy after each gig hoovering up plectrums and other concert derived detritus. We sidled round the back of the Apollo and just chilled, when I say chilled it was actually parky as hell. Much cud was chewed. Roxie disappeared into a lock in in the boozer. New man Eric Dover appeared and proceeded to hand out flowers to all and sundry in what I can only hazard was a bizarre tribute to that old flower man Manchester’s Morrissey. Teddy appeared, a first for us and seemed intent on getting one of our Cooper Sheep shirts. “ Do you do XXL?” he enquired .
It was getting cold and we were tired. I’d been aware of a tour bus slightly further up the lane with its obligatory clutch of crane necked fans outside. There hadn’t been any notable comings or goings from it. We sidled alongside the bus only for the door to open no more than a foot and for Ren to call “Jon, come here” – My immediate thought was “ O god what have I done !” So we’re on the bus and being shown upstairs and there sat around the table is Alice and Eric D. O god my heart is pounding, gotta stay cool – fat chance. I shake Alice’s hand and mutter something like it being great to meet you. O how original of me. Believe me that’s 100 times better than my performance at Tower records in 1997. We park ourselves down next to Alice. He says he’d asked Brian about our T-shirts “Are we making them now !”. I explained I created them to advertise our website but I’m sure we could come to an arrangement ! Alice laughed. Ren took 2 pix professionally with my dodgy camera. Alice signed our shirts (Now framed) (Note to Ren ; least we managed not to wash them this time unlike the Turin Shroud Collectible last tour) and signed two promo shots for us “To Jon” and “Thomas, clean your room”. Hands were shaken and I gave an undertaking to deliver three gross of t shirts by June. With hindsight that last part didn’t actually happen. We said our goodbyes, thanked Ren and with photos stuffed up our shirts and smiles as big as obese cheshire cats got off the bus. Ren said tell them we were just discussing your website and that Alice doesn’t live here any more. As we sidled up the lane a rasping Scottish accent was heard to proclaim “You jammy bastard Mr.”. Do you know what he was right we had just met Alice Cooper – how cool is that !
Paul Forsyth and Wicked Youngman offered to share their Travel lodge room with us. We drove through Manchester on the A6 for a good 20 minutes only to suddenly come upon the Apollo again. I can only suggest my mind was elsewhere. Ensconced in our hotel pits we regaled each other with Cooper minutiae and then passed out at about 3 am. What a day it had been …..
Thursday 17/05/01 – day off for good behaviour.
We hurtled out of Manchester early , our bellies full of dodgy egg and burger concoctions from Ronald McDonalds heading down the Motorway for Hertfordshire to collect my sister, Sheep worshipping Cult member number 3 (in charge of procurement). Gawd was it wet that day could not see a bleeding thing as we scuttled south towards the equator.
Thursday 18 May 2001
London Wembley Arena Friday 18/05/01
It was paramount that I get that film with the Alice pow wow pictures on developed today so that I could try and get Alice to sign it by the end of the week. There were a good 15 shots left on the film so I took 15 pictures of a duck in the Hemel Hempstead water gardens much to the obvious bemusement of a passing Traffic Warden. The photo shop were great. Once developed all staff gathered to look at the results. “Oo Alice Cooper” said one “ He eats bats” they added helpfully. The film developer, a DIY piercing fanatic (God did he jangle – how he goes through the metal detectors at airports I’ll never know ) did us proud printing us an 18 x 12 and a 10 x 8.
And so to Wembley and the Green Man rendezvous. We parked up in the pub car park and headed T shirts on to the venue. Well you would not have known Alice was playing there that night. No banner adverts, nothing. We met Cindy newly arrived from Holland and pointed her at the pub.
The meet and greet was a great success. Our photo got passed round the pub for all to see. We managed a team photo and Bill regaled us with his Cooper tall tales and his chance meeting with Alice in Soho. That bloke has more jam than Hartleys. It was great to see Alice Jones there with her family. Si had two spare tickets we had and gave them to two acquaintances. One of whom, a bloke was leather clad head to foot. He wasn’t that impressed when I asked if he had given himself a good polish before coming out.
My sister (head of procurement) arrived back from some Piccadilly Retail Therapy with an Alice lunchbox and the Brutal Planet 2CD Tour Edition. Good job Quince. And so to the gig. Skilfully missing both supports we parked ourselves in row 3 of Block A2 front of stage. Following a Dio melee at the end of their set we were able to vault gracefully to the front row. When I say gracefully you’ll understand there is a degree of artistic license in that statement given I am a crusty less than svelte 41 year old. We were front and centre again. No 1 son seemed particularly pleased when Paul F’s two daughters joined us. The look on their faces when the Executioner spat the mouthful of Alice’s blood at us was priceless. We looked like we’d been in a smash. For such a cavernous barn the sound was fine. Brian May or was it Anita Dobson, wailed during School’s Out having come on stage to a We Will Rock You impromptu from the band. I skilfully managed some temporary talcum blindness again tonight. The gig over we witnessed the already reported rumble and gnashing of teeth for one of Eric’s drumsticks.
After a brief audience with superfan Andy Michael we headed out of London to our comfortable home counties bed for the night, dreaming of Cardiff.
Saturday 19 May 2001
Cardiff 19/05/01 Saturday
Crossing the New Severn Bridge I gladly paid the £4+ to get back into my adopted homeland. Once home our treasure chest was emptied and we bored the rest of the family with our audience with the Master ad nauseum. Clan note ; membership at this one was four as we were joined by my wife and Number 2 son. It seems that much alcoholic imbibation had been going on whilst we were abroad.
I had to be front and centre at this one and so by 2pm we were ensconced outside the CIA in Cardiff city centre which is in Mary Ann Street for all you trivia fanatics. Bill Crowe seemed particularly pleased with that information and proceeded to take 6 photos of the road sign. Dedication above and beyond or just sheer madness you tell me. No 1 son tells me he was just using up a film but I have my doubts. Slowly but surely the usual suspects appeared and as the 6:30 opening time neared the crowd swelled. We were front of the queue and once past the Praetorian Security Guards we fast wobbled to front and centre again on the barrier. My camera cocked and ready to snap Alice with the Welsh flag after last years debacle at Newport. Fellow Cooper fans it was as the great man says hot tonight and awful squishy squashy too. The Halleys scored after show passes and Renfield gave no 1 son and I passes too as the Halleys were staying with us that night. I managed to upset a The Almighty fan stood behind me who had come especially to see Pete Friesen, telling him he’d have to have damn good eyesight as he wasn’t there. Poor Oik didn’t believe me.
OK so its support time, The Goblin (Orange) managed 20 f*cks during his tirade tonight – a tour record and Dio was well received by all the Dio fans who had vomited down to Cardiff from the South Wales Valleys. I feel it is my duty to report the conduct of one of our number, anthonyjohn who much to Ronnie James’ horror pretended to fall asleep on the front barrier during his set. The little man seemed flabbergasted, in fact I didn’t see his flabber so gasted as much again on the tour. I am reliably informed that TB did actually sleep during the Dio set at Bournemouth too !
And then its Alice time in Cardiff and I’m deep deep in the zone for this one. “I come all the way to Cardiff” – I’ve waited along time to hear that. Teddy ZZ was introduced with a quick rendition of Tom Jones’ Its not unusual tonight. And then its party time and the place is jumping, this was the best crowd by a long chalk – but I’m biased. Its encore time and out comes my camera, will he have a Dragon t shirt on too I wonder. Denied no Elected tonight I couldn’t believe it. There were various reasons touted for its non appearance including artistic license strangely by Toby.
Hey its After show time ! We take on water like an old steam train in a bare walled room upstairs surrounded almost entirely by the usual suspects plus Ken Bloor and Mike Drew who are stressed. Ren tells us that we’ve already had our “special moment” and takes a few others into meet Alice including Si and his daughter how apparently got Alice to sign everything and anything she could find ! Roxie signed no 1 son’s shirt. We left when Si came back via a back door just in time to see Alice leave. He glanced up clocked our shirts again and said hi guys. There were plenty of fans hanging around outside. Toby told me to go home ! Good to see Mountain Ash Mike but missed Hywel et al and you Wink …
Back at the Allegedly HQ we gorged ourselves on toast and then to bed. Onwards tomorrow to Brum !
Sunday 20 May 2001
Birmingham NEC 20/05/01 Sunday
Nice short journey today so we rested safe in the knowledge that we had front row seats at the NEC. We arrived and parked up a small hike away from the venue buying our £5 parking ticket which had Alice Cooper written on it ! Quite a collectible you’ll agree – its not available for trade. Ensconced in the bar more and more familiar faces happened by. No 1 son was in his element having secured a steady supply of free crisps from the barman, We wandered, chatted to the very friendly security bloke who said 6500 were attending tonight. Met Greg Smith for a quick chat. Paul F said I went into investigative reporter mode. We discovered that Alice had Dragontown on the tour bus and was listening to it to determine track order. Dragontown was obviously one track and another Disgraceland was an Elvis parody, the whole album is dark – good news. The band have been watching Trigger Happy TV on the bus, watch out during It’s the Little Things Greg said mysteriously.
So we’re front row again and Halloween strikes up. Zone time. At the beginning of ITLT a black suit carrying an enormous mobile phone walks on stage and a la Trigger Happy shouts “Hello no I’m at an Alice Cooper concert – its crap, ciao” and he exits stage left. Mucho laughter follows and off we go again. Rule Britannia and Alice in Jack shirt and Tony Blair mask is back. Serious sanguineous soaking tonight – full on. Womble No 1 son scored drum sticks (an Eric and a Teddy) and plectrums and moolah tonight.
Afterwards we went on a small route march to find back stage. After a while we are joined by Eric D, Ryan and Calico. Photo frenzy but Eric all out of flowers tonight. His favourite track on Dragontown is called Sister Sara (sp) he plays on it too. We discuss tomorrow nights Michael Bruce which they were not aware of. May be they might turn up to celebrate Greg’s birthday ? I asked Ren if Alice could sign our photo. “Give it to me at Edinburgh” – which we did. Tour buses leave and we all scuttle off into the night. A long journey to foreign climes tomorrow to Edinburgh. I arrange an M6 meet with Si, Chris & Triin for the morning.
Monday 21 May 2001
Edinburgh Playhouse 21/05/01 Monday
It’s the last day of the tour but we are not downhearted we meet Si et al on the M6 after one more hurtle past that damn RAC building. They must have known we were coming to Scotland as we had to be disinfectanted at the border, the car that is. No 1 son tells me it was actually a Foot and Mouth precaution – he’s so well informed. We pose at the Welcome to Scotland sign and stop at Hawick for din dins. Unfortunately the local shops were all out of Hawick Balls (don’t ask). Beautiful drive up the A7 and we arrive at Bill Crowe’s nest in Haddington where we are made most welcome and offered a berth for the night. God knows what time we would fall into our pits tonight with two gigs to go to.
Avoiding the haggis pies we troughed down at a local Asda and then using Bill’s local knowledge parked up a mere caber toss from the Playhouse. The Edinburgh Playhouse proudly proclaimed in 18 inch gold lettering – Alice Cooper SOLD OUT – nice. No 1 son posed with Wicked’s Alice head that he made outside the venue. Sickies retired to the Conan Doyle for a libation and we followed suit knowing we had front row seats again. Unfortunately Scottish law could not handle no 1 son in the bar and we had to leave.
We went to search out Studio 24 where MB was to play later. We saw Ken and a very stressed out Mike Drew there. Back at the playhouse Teddy and Ryan were watching the (female)world go by, photo and chinwag time. Enjoy tonight’s show says Ryan. Ren good to his word took our photo backstage to be signed.
Showtime, Dio have done their stuff and we enter the crushed loganberry interior of the Playhouse. A seated venue where you’d expect to see the Good Old Days we are at the front stage right in front of Roxie territory and there is no crowd barrier – nice.
Well what a view both Alice and Ryan came and stood right in front of us. In fact Ryan did his Devil’s Food solo right and I mean right in front of us – he rocked and we boogied. The crowd here though were strangely subdued not at all what I expected from our woad wearing, sporran swinging celtic cousins. Alice threw the whip to no 1 son but it was snatched away. Wicked John was in rapture when Alice took the fibreglass head and jammed it onto the set. No Scottish flag or Elected tonight either as in Cardiff. Michael Bruce was there but did not play on stage.
And so the Brutal Planet Tour 2001 is over and we’re in Edinburgh do we go to bed – no way. In high spirits we head to Studio 24 following Bill (with full inflated stage balloon in tow) to see Michael Bruce. After negotiations with the bouncers and thanks to Mike Drew I get no 1 son in. The owner says he must stay at least 10 foot away from the bar. Bugger looks like I’m buying the drinks then. We go on an Iron Bru frenzy which I am reliably informed is made from girders. No 1 son tells me that that’s not true it’s merely a cunning marketing ploy by some devious ad men !
Michael Bruce arrives and backed by a more than proficient band plays a thoroughly entertaining set. Enhanced definitely by the arrival of Ryan, Eric D and Greg on stage for School’s Out and 18. Greg couldn’t believe no 1 son was still going but by now he had gone a funny shade of grey. Michael & co’s rendition of My Stars, Halo of Flies and Hard Hearted Alice made my spine tingle or was that my third can of iron bru ? After the show Michael chatted animatedly and said to no 1 son that I looked like I needed by bed. He was right. After a few farewells we were off to Haddington. Bill’s car was easy to follow it had a bloody great balloon still inflated in the back.
I don’t remember much after that other than at about 3:30am seeing Bill’s beaming face as he tucked me in !!
Final Thoughts !
Tuesday dawned hot and sunny just the weather you want to drive 500 miles home to Wales. We said our goodbyes and headed off all too prepared to do it again next year with Dragon Town. But this time we’ll have a tour bus for the sickthings – remember you promised Mr Crowe.
Work has suffered since we’ve been back. My boss said I have been sat zombie like at my desk for several days and he’s right. But then again he hasn’t met Alice Cooper !
I want to thank the following people for their undoubted friendship and company on tour. Thanks to Paul Forsyth, John Youngman, Si & Chris Halley, Bill & Mary Crowe, Des Fields, Jackboot Jill and Andrew Clark and a final big hello to all you Sickthings and Welsh fans out there in the ether …
Regurgitated from The Alice Cooper Allegedy Archives 2001
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